just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
