I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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