census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
