Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
did i walk over a car last night?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
