My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
