go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
