Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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