Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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