Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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