i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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