I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When are your genitals available?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
