theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
