I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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