well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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