You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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