I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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