Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
