her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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