alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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