you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
