We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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