hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
