At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
