He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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