last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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