i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
