Just fell off a train. Bad.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
