It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
