Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
me + whiskey = a bad person
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
