im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
