hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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