It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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