He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
