her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
