I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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