I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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