You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
