he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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