just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
