You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
