Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
