Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
