I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
