went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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