the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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