i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
