Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
