I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
