Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
