life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
